Thursday, September 15, 2016

Things These Artists WILL Do

We hear a lot of empty promises these days, especially from political candidates. But these artists mean business! When they say they will do something, you can count on it! (Maybe. Probably not, actually. Just more empty promises. Anyway...) Here's a collection of songs in which the singer or band vows that "I Will" or "We Will" do...something. For fans of my (underused?) snarky song commentary (I'm talking to you, Entzminger!), you may be pleasantly surprised to find it here in spades. Enjoy!  ~  JH

1)  Everclear  ~  “I Will Buy You A New Life”  (This promised “new life” apparently includes: “A garden where your flowers can bloom…a new car, perfect, shiny, and new…[and] that big house way up in the West Hills.”)

2)  Gloria Gaynor  ~  “I Will Survive”  (She really should’ve changed that stupid lock, though.)

3)  Chris Tomlin  ~  “I Will Rise”  (I believe he said he was going to rise. Thirteen times, in fact. But who’s counting?)

4)  Mumford & Sons  ~  “I Will Wait”  (These talented fellows are nothing if not patient.)

5)  Us The Duo  ~  “I Will Wait For You”  (These two will wait for you, too. But can they play the banjo? That’s the real question, isn’t it?)

6)  Whitney Houston  ~  “I Will Always Love You”  (All she’s taking with her are bittersweet memories. We both know she’s not what you need anyway.)

7)   Jimmy Eat World  ~  “I Will Steal You Back”  (But what if I prefer to remain stolen, Jimmy Eat? Or whatever your real name is.)

8)  Grateful Dead  ~  “I Will Take You Home”  (“Ain't no fog thick enough to hide you / Your daddy's gonna be right here beside you.” That’s either very reassuring or extremely creepy. Jury’s still out.)

9)  Soul Asylum  ~  “I Will Still Be Laughing”  (This song is eighteen years old. That’s a long time to STILL be laughing. On an unrelated note, I don’t get the joke. Am I supposed to?)

10)  Jimmy Buffett  ~  “I Will Play For Gumbo”  (Buffett for gumbo? Sounds like a pretty fair deal to me.)

11)  Boyz II Men  ~  “I Will Get There”  (Was there ever any doubt? Seriously, when have Boyz II Men ever not gotten there when they promised to?)

12)  Selah  ~  “I Will Carry You”  (Thank you for that. I was getting tired from all the walking.)

13)  Slash ft. Myles & The Conspirators  ~  “We Will Roam”  (Additional charges may apply when making calls outside the geographical coverage area of the home network.)

14)  Steven Curtis Chapman  ~  “I Will Be Here” (But what if I go over “there”? Will you go “there,” too, or will you stay “here”?)

15)  Katie Melua  ~  “I Will Be There”  (Never mind, Chapman. Katie will be “there,” so we’re all good!)

16)  John Fogerty  ~  “I Will Walk With You”  (Okay, but let’s mix it up a bit and hopscotch our way to…wherever it is we’re going.)

17)  Bruce Hornsby and the Noisemakers  ~  “I Will Walk With You”  (Thanks but no thanks, Bruce. Fogerty offered first, and we’re hopscotching. So…yeah.)

18)  Jesus Culture ft. Kim Walker-Smith  ~  “We Will Run”  (Are you trying to trick me into doing a 5K? ‘Cuz…no.)

19)  All-4-One  ~  “I Will Be Right Here”  (“Wherever you go, whatever you do, wherever you are…no matter how far, I'll always be near…I will be right here.”  Yeah, that’s not stalker-ish at all!)

20)  Peggy March  ~  “I Will Follow Him”  (Seriously, what’s with all this stalker-ish behavior? Pretty sure it’s illegal, folks!)

21)  Burton Cummings  ~  “I Will Play A Rhapsody”  (You go ahead with your bad self, Burton! Play that rhapsody! We’re listening…)

22)  Gladys Knight & The Pips  ~  “I Will Fight”  (Forgive me if I don’t tremble at the thought of people who call themselves “The Pips” threatening to fight anybody.)

23)  Avalon  ~  “We Will Stand”  (Well, it sure beats sitting.)

24)  Death Cab For Cutie  ~  “I Will Follow You Into The Dark”  (Then what will you do? Stab me? Shoot me? Let’s be honest. Nothing good is going to come of this dark pursuit.)

25)  Queen  ~  “We Will Rock You”  (They did. And it was awesome. The End.)

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